


I'm not me without you

by Phantasticpheels (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Boys In Love, Childhood Friends, Drama, Falling In Love, First multichaptered work, Fluff, Happy Ending, Long fiction probably maybe, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Romance, Self-Discovery, University, highschool
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-07 03:17:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8781022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Phantasticpheels
Summary: Daniel James Howell met Phillip Michael Lester on the sunniest day ever when both of them were three.The days didn't always remain sunny after that, but one thing would always be constant Daniel knew for sure.The constant feeling in their hearts screaming ' I'm not me without you.'





	1. Dazed by the sun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [auroraphilealis (xrosepetalsx)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xrosepetalsx/gifts), [INeverHadMyInternetPhase](https://archiveofourown.org/users/INeverHadMyInternetPhase/gifts).



> I'm attempting serious writing for once....pray for this newbie wannabe ppl may her days of shit posting finally end.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two worlds collide. Its supposed to be cheesy.

Dan blinked as his honey brown eyes adjusted to the light sorrounding him. The park seemed to be glowing golden with the sun spreading its gentle warm rays all over the lush green grass, the laughing children, the swings, the slides the jungle gym. It was a beautiful day, the kind that takes away your sadness and makes you feel full, makes you smile without meaning to.

Dan couldn't put his feelings into thoughts or words but he felt content sitting on the bench swinging his legs and watching the flowers sway gently in the wind.

'Daniel.' His mother nudged his side softly.

He looked up in question,his curly locks bouncing on his head, broken out of his tranquil daze.

' You've been sitting here with me for a while. It must be boring. Go play on the swings, don't they look nice?'

She tried to keep herself from being too direct. Dan was slowly but surely growing up but he was still lacking socializing skills of the most basic sort. 

As a mother it was concerning.

'Go on.'

She encouraged but he only kept staring at her silently then shook his head, thumb flying into his mouth as he mumbled ' don wanna '.

She pulled his hand away from his mouth gently and sighed. She was about to try again when she heard a familiar chuckle nearby only to find Mrs. Lester a few steps behind on her way to the space left on the long weather worn bench.

' Stubborn aren't they?'  
She smiled and Mrs. Howell felt her eyes travel to the figure tugging behind her leg. A tiny ginger boy with the biggest most innocent blue eyes and pouty pink lips, peeking curiously from behind his mother.

She sighed with a nod welcoming her with a paternal conversation as Dan finally acknowledged their presence.

Mrs. Lester? He pondered. All that came back to him were words like ' new neighbour ', ' nice people ' and the smell of a freshly baked Apple pie.

The sort his mother hadn't made before.

So now the milky pale and rosy pink little boy behind the woman was something new and as much as Dan liked keeping to himself, he had an innate curious streak.

He jumped down the wooden seat and poked the boy that sat lost in his own little bubble as he colored a lion pink, most of which was outside the lines but he seemed happy by it.

'Haie. My nawme wis Dan..'

He tried getting the boys attention as he jumped slightly at being disturbed from his arduous work.  
'Whawt's your name?'

' Dibbit ' 

The boy grinned as his whole hand came to rest in his mouth and his colour pencil fell out of his fist and off the bench.

'Phillip.'  
His mother corrected quietly with a fond smile. Both of them watching the interaction between their sons with interest.

'Phiwip whaz that?'  
Dan pointed the lion that was colored very very poorly indeed in a very obnoxious pink.

'Liown.'

Phil replied shyly hugging his coloring book close to hide behind it.

'Liown awre yellow.'  
Dan expressed his confusing as his mother mentally planned to give him cookies for talking to someone for once and for saying 'yellow' correctly.

Phil didn't seems to be fazed by Dan's comment though. He tilted his tiny head and grinned.

' He liewkes bweing pwink. '

Dan stilled for a moment. That was a new perspective to look at things. He supposed that lion could be pink if he liked and didn't have to be yellow like the other lions.

'Owkay.'  
Dan said sitting beside him.

'Wanna couwlour?'  
Phil asked handing him a bright orange pencil which seems to pale in comparison to how brightly he was grinning at Dan.

Dan couldn't say no.

Somehow the sunniest day ever seemed too dim in comparison to the small boy earnestly coloring beside him. The swaying flowers less comforting than how he had held Dan's hand when Dan showed him his to try and stay within the lines.

He only felt peace.

He wasn't scared for once, from making a stranger a friend.

Maybe he could ask his mum to play with Phil again tomorrow?


	2. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is turning five just a few weeks after Phil. Phil ,God bless his soul, is still struggling with how to say it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read at your own risk. Work of a noob.

Dan's eyed widened in disbelief.

' Fiewve.'

Phil grinned confidently.

'No, Phil, five.'

He tried flailing his arms to express his distress.

'One, two, three, four, five.'  
He counted on the hand he held up to his friend.

'One, two, three, four, fiewve.'  
Phil counted back holding Dan's fingers one by one instead of counting on his own.

Dan sighed but didn't want to pull back his hand. Phil didn't seem to want to let go either.  
It was true that it was hurting his arm a bit to keep it slightly streched in front of him but he decided he didn't mind.

' Try it like this Phil. Fieee..veeee'  
Dan drawled out admanent that everyone should be able to pronounce how old they were correctly.

Phip blinked once then tried slowly. 'Fieev...we.'

He stumbled at the end out of habit and grinned sheepishly as Dan pouted sitting down on the carpet pulling his best friend along with him.

' Why did you get the golden star for reading?'

He sniffed begrudgingly.

' I'll make Miss Daisy get a book with lots of fives for you next time.'

Phil grinned then bit his lip as he seemed to think over it a bit.

'You liked it? Take mine!'

He whispered excitedly into Dan's ear cupping his palms around it like he was telling a secret and shoved his hand in his large front shirt pocket taking out a rumpled sticker which he swiftly pasted on Dan's face.

'But its yours!'  
Dan protested weakly.

As cool as the glow in the dark sticker was his mother had taught him enough to know when things didn't belong to him.

Phil shook his head violently making his ginger hair fly and stick up all over the place.

Then he stopped and grinned eyes widening with the perfect idea.

'Happy birthday!'

He provided Dan an excuse to keep the star with two words and Dan could only smile back.

'You gave me Mr. Bear remember?'

Dan reminded him glancing at the large fluffy brown stuffed animal on his shelf.

' Winston.'  
Phil corrected him. Dan was bad at remembering all of the stuffed animal's names.

Phil didn't think they would mind much though, Dan made up for it with the best hugs ever.

Honestly Phil felt a little jealous of the plushies when he saw Dan cuddling them but Phil didn't know what jealous was back then.

He could only tell you he was better at hugging then Winston, quite begrudgingly one might add.

Dan now examined the sticker, peeling it off his face.

It seemed to shine through the spaces between his fingers when he half closed his palms.

'It's really cool.'

Dan said in awe but Phil didn't seem to notice the sticker and kept staring at Dan. 

He was much nicer to look at then the sticker, with soft brown curls, rosy-chubby cheeks indented with a small hole Phil liked to poke and eyes like the nicest chocolate Phil had ever seen.

'Phil?' Dan questioned his stare with an affectionate look and tilt of the head.

He broke out if his trance although he didn't even seem to acknowledge that he went into one. 

' let's put the sticker on lion!'

Dan suggested his brown eyes shinning more than anyone else's eyes had ever shined, Phil noted.

He grinned as the feeling of happiness seemed to spread further and further and made his heart beat faster and faster.

 

It was all headed in a direction too dangerous for the playful, bubbly boy but Phillip was safe, at least for now, because things are simpler when your young. 

Love is pure and soft and warm. 

Its marshmallows melting in your mouth. Kittens playing in your lap and the nicest cuddles ever with the best person in the world.

Love smelt like warm.

It didn't hurt and all you feel is how nice it is to be with your best friend. 

How you'll be friends forever and ever and ever.

Phil wanted to be Dan's best friend forever so he smiled as Dan stretched on his tiptoes to paste the star on the pink and orange lion's nose.

Phil had said it was a ' gwift fow fwiend ' that day too when he met Dan for the first time and pushed it to Dan's chest with convincing enthusiasm and Dan had grinned wide, never been called someone's friend before.

The sticker glowed softly that night as Phil slept cuddled to Dan's side their arms around one another tired from the games and opening presents and full of cake.

Those days Phil didn't know why but every time he came over and saw the same lion drawing with a star on it's nose dangling by a single strip of tape on Dan's bedside drawer he couldn't stop smiling.

The squishy nice feeling would twist in his stomach and he would give a big hug to a bewildered Dan on impulse.

Dan never pulled away in surprise though.

Always, he found his embrace returned by two equally small arms wrapping around him and holding onto him even tighter.

' Hugs?'  
He would ask softly with a happy smile and Phil would nod finding himself too giddy to speak.

'Hugs.' He would confirm softly after a while and feel Dan nod and pull him closer.

Hugs.

Always,always,always please.

Forever and ever.

But what he didn't know was that forever and ever was just a way to say the story had ended to hide that it wasn't all hugs anymore.

For now though, the star on the lion's nose glowed in its perfect dim way, careful not to disturb the two boys sleeping nearby.


	3. Mum, what's love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is distressed and it's tugging at Phil's heartstrings and for once not in a good way. Can the Lesters save the day with apple juice and a heart to heart?

Phil's breath hitched as Dan let out another loud sob.  
Dan cried a lot but never like this.

Never with his chest moving up and down so fast that Phil wanted to hold him tightly afraid it would burst.

Never with so much pain that he couldn't even open his eyes, face scrunched and red and sad and sad and sad and Phil almost couldn't breath.

Tears fell more and more.  
Plop plop plop and Phil's hand was drenched wiping them off frantically and when it stopped working the seven year old lifted his favourite blue shirt with the picture of a puppy off his tummy and rubbed it softly over Dan's cheek , wiping his dripping nose without a second thought.

' Th-they don't love me any-anymore. They only *hiccup* they only like Adrian.'

He sobbed loudly with a wail as Phil tried his best not to cry himself as he reassured his broken hearted friend.

' No!no!Dan. Your mum and Dad love you too! They love you too!'

Phil rambled frantically unable to provide Dan with any logical reasoning with his own soul shattering at how hurt Dan was.

Play station 1 problems? A level or Mario? those he could solve, but this seemed to be a level of difficulty beyond his ability.

He was desperate, his small body holding Dan's shaking and curled body closer and cuddling him almost pasting him to his cookie monster PJs as he pulled him into his lap because that was the solution to everything right?

Hugs always solve everything. 

Right?

He wanted to drag Mr and Mrs. Howell to his house right now and make them say how much they loved  
Dan a million times because Dan didn't seem to believe him, when he said it.

Phil would say it a million times to make Dan believe it.

He probably already had but he could only count to a thousand by now.  
That aside, how could anyone not love Dan? It was simply impossible.

Suddenly the boys were startled into silence as Mrs. Lester came into the room ,albeit quietly to her defence, and placed two large spiderman mugs on the table in front of the bedroom couch.

'Apple juice.'  
She smiled at them and Dan held his breath trying not to let out another sob.

Crying in front of her seemed to embarrass him for some reason.

So, he bit his lip and let Phil hand him the mug which contained just a little more juice than the other (Phil somehow always forced the bigger share of things onto him) and took it with shaky hands, sipping and sniffing.

Mrs. Lester drifted out as quietly as she had come in.

She knew when to not intrude and if what she had heard from outside was anything to go by, now wasn't the time for an adult shushing a child into repressing his feelings, it was good for Dan to cry it all out.

As for the boys, Phil didn't touch his own mug at all and watched as Dan finished his quicker than he had ever before and then slide down Phil's side placing his head in his lap, face smashed against Phil's stomach hiding away from everyone but too sad to act like he was okay.

Phil's hand found his hair immediately.Running his fingers through the soft curls, his palm drawing soothing warm circles on Dan's back and soon he felt the tense shoulders relax and soft even puffs of air on his belly.

 

It felt like hours and hours and hours of Dan just sleeping and Phil just watching him in a trance. He only noticed his own soft sniffles and wet cheeks when he found Dan's hair to be weirdly damp somehow.

'Oh love.'  
His mother wiped his cheeks softly.  
'Let's get him to bed, he'll catch a cold.'

Phil reluctantly let his mother cradle Dan away from him and tuck him safely beneath the sheets.

They couldn't let Dan catch a cold, now could they?

Phil was about to climb right in beside him and hug him to somehow alleviate all the hurt coursing through him when he was stopped by his mother's gentle tug on his skinny pale arm.

She was holding a fresh shirt, a yellow pickachu one and said something about 'not nice to cover his friend in his own snot' with a smile.

Phil held his arms up when she didn't hand him the shirt right away and for a moment forgot he was seven now and how big boys should change all by themselves.

He felt small and sad and small.

He didn't even have a baby brother taking all his parent's attention away from him.

Then why did he feel he would cry again?

' Phillip don't be sad because Dan's sad, he will be fine. Don't worry.'

Phil tilted his head as she kissed his cheek after pulling the shirt down his head.

' I'm sad because Dan's sad? But he's sad because he thinks his parents like Adrian more, I don't think that.'

His mum chuckled quietly.

' Your sad because you love Dan and when people we love are sad its normal to feel sad yourself even if you don't have a reason to be. Love doesn't just mean sharing happiness you know, its the same with feeling sad.'

Phil nodded.

' Do I love Dan like i love you and daddy and Martyn?'

His mum smiled.

' Well that depends on you Phillip. Love is of many many many types, the kind you feel for puppies and babies and little things, the type you feel for good books and hand made happy-birthday cards, the kind you feel for your friends and your children, the kind which you feel for the one you marry, the kind that you feel for food because it's just too yummy.'

His mum grinned.

'How did you know what kind of love it was when you married daddy?'

Phil asked in earnest listening intently and Mrs. Lester blushed not expecting her son to ask this question.

Then her eyes slowly growed warm and soft and she gave the nicest smile Phil has ever seen her give though all her smiles were nice.

' When you want to wake up everyday to someone and want to see them smile everyday all day. When you feel their pain like your own and you want to hold their hand forever and never ever want to make them cry. Maybe that's the sort of love it is?'

She clamped her mouth shut face red with the depth she had expressed herself to her seven year old doe eyed son and bade him a swift goodnight kissing his forehead and tucking him in.

It was suddenly really quite.

Phil laid there thinking for a while looking at Dan's face that was illuminated by the night light making it ethereal. Beautiful.

His brain didn't know those adjectives enough to describe him that way. Phil was mesmerized.

He wasn't sure that night what kind of love he had for Dan, he wasn't sure but....waking up to Dan every morning and not just on their sleepovers was all that Phil could ever wish for.

The next morning when Phil woke up Dan wasn't beside him, wasn't hugging his waist like always and his heart flew to his throat.

It was the fastest he had ever gotten out of bed on a weekend and ran straight out to search for the one causing him all this distress.

To his relief, he found him sitting beside Martyn listening intently to what Phil's big brother seemed to be saying.

'...so you see, if mum and dad didn't do that, Phil wouldn't have been safe and would've never been able to learn what I already had.'

Dan was nodding along intently.

'Its just a little while till he can be a big boy and take care of himself like you, so don't be too hard on him or your parents.They dont care any less but having to go to work with two children to care for is a lot of stress. More so when one is a baby.You'll see how nice it is to have a little brother soon enough though. Your the big brother you know?, you have to protect him and be strong for him and your parents for now. Like I was for Phil. It's what makes us big brothers.'

If Martyn's words were anything to go by and his little brother was anything like Phil, he'd be willing to sacrifice all his own needs for a while.

Martyn was right. He had always had all his parents attention and maybe his brother deserved it for a while as well. He was tiny and helpless after all.  
He had to be a big boy. He was going to be strong.

Phil smiled and mentally thanked Martyn for whatever he had said when he saw Dan relax and the tense look finally slipped off his face.  
He looked up and saw Phil in the doorway and smiled wide dimples erupting from their hiding spot.

It was like everything was soft and warm again and Phil didn't know what being sad even felt like.

He felt his heart constrict in the best way possible and gasped, his shoulders light like a boulder had been lifted off them.  
All the stress,he didn't know he was carrying, suddenly gone.

It was then that Phil thought that he was never going to let Dan cry again.

It was then that Phil knew he wanted to see Dan smile forever.

It was then that Phil realised all the heavy sadness weighing down his heart was gone.  
Like it had never been there in the first place.

Phil didn't know what sort of love he had for Dan but he knew one thing, it was the sort that wouldn't ever stop growing

( but sometimes,Phillip would learn, that's not enough)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, Amateur noob here. 
> 
> A request to all my senpais; 
> 
> Please comment and help me improve or just tell me what you think about this.... please.


	4. Small victories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can it be a loss when it feels better than winning?

Phillip no longer looked like a baby chick when he wore his yellow raincoat.  
He had grown a bit since last year.  
The same could also be said for Dan, who albeit, was a smidge shorter.

Not that they had been keeping track.  
Okay, they had been, but how could you blame them?

Childhood was all about competing playfully over the tiniest things.  
Every victory counted.

It was that and both of their innate affliction towards rivalry that kept this boisterous trend alive.

It was a two way thing.  
Phil was egged on by Dan's mischievous challenging tone and he'd be damned if he backed out. These days, being stubborn was his speciality it seemed.

But a certain trip to the doctor's, last week,had made him question his rivalry morals.

Both mums ( who had been forced to schedule these trips together for obvious reasons; Doctors being terrifying to the boys and Them being calming forces for one another) had been sure that Phil was a bit taller.

They had been prepared for Dan's angry rant on how Phil had cheated and how the doctor pushed the ruler too hard indenting his head but when the result had been written down it was surprisingly a perfect match.

' It's a draw!'  
Dan who had been looking genuinely sad at seeing Phil's head at an inch mark above his had grinned giving Phil a high five.

Phil felt his heart warming with happiness as he returned the congratulatory move back, not regretting once that he had lowered himself a bit when the scale came down.

The smile on Dan's face had been worth the tiny lie.

He would add to his victories next time.

....

Now, Phil was regretting it.

He should've knocked this cheeky shit a few pegs down when he had the chance.

'Aw, am I too fast for you Philly?'

Dan grinned as he jumped into another puddle,covered by his baby blue raincoat and clearly winning the puddle race.

To Phil's defence, his shoes had betrayed him and absorbed water making them heavy and squishy and difficult to move in while Dan had plastic ones on which strapped tight enough to prevent any moisture from getting to his socks.

'Its not fair!'  
He whined hating how his socks squelched against the soaking wet boots.  
His feet were freezing.

'Ooo, it's not fair. Ooo, Dan's boots are better.' Dan taunted in a high voice. 'Own it mate, I'm the splash master and your a splash noob.'  
He added as he enthusiastically as he hopped up and down at the last puddle marking the end point and Phil's defeat.

Phil pouted jumping in beside him, grimacing at the few drops that hit his face.

'Well I'll win next time Howell, be ready.'  
Dan rolled his eyes picking up their bright red umbrella that had been discarded for a while now.  
(Why carry two when you could share one? Less luggage and more fun.)

'Oh no I'm so scared'  
Dan deadpanned as Phil shivered cursing his cold bloodedness.

'Now you owe me an ice cream Lester.'

Ah, the penalty. He was sure Dan wouldn't eat one though. Seeing how the town was practically an ice cream itself these days.

'Your mum.'  
Phil sniffed as he went for his new go to remark that hadn't been appreciated much by his family but he enjoyed the small rebellion, for once.

'My mum wouldn't taste nice at all to be honest.'  
Dan grinned.

'Mrs. Howell was offended by your lack of faith Daniel.'  
Dan scrunched his face.  
'I think she'd be more offended by you cannibalizing her.'  
Dan shuddered as Phil's tilted his head in confusion.

'Cannabalized?'  
'Yeah, it means people eating people, I think..'  
Dan rubbed his neck embaressed.

Phil was good at everything at school, working earnestly enough to satisfy his parents and still leave more than enough time to have fun but Dan lingered on the extremes.  
He was effected more by his natural preferences.  
Where he was amazing at vocabulary from absorbing words from all sources surrounding him and being good in arts such as drama and music, he did very poorly on things that evaded his interest  
such as maths.

He hated maths.

Why did they have to make brain torture a subject?  
He was sure it was all an elaborate plan to make a fool out of him.

Somehow, though, he still wanted to stand on par with Phil's perfection and it made him proud when Phil looked at him for guidance on something.

Whether it was a spelling or the meaning of a word or even how to tie show laces correctly.

Dan was more than eager to help.  
Who wouldn't be?  
When Phil blushed asking with a sheepish mumble. It was all he would like to do actually.

Dan broke out of his internal tirade as Phil brought his hands up and blew on them, shivering visibly.

'You cold?'  
He asked shifting the umbrella to his other hand as he brought it nearer to Phil's.

'Not everyone was a dragon in their past life Dan.'  
Phil replied with a grin that just portrayed how badly his teeth were chattering.

Dan, the natural thermostat, only smiled shuffling closer and held Phil's pale icy hand in his warm one tightly.

'Well don't be jealous Phil, I'm sure being a lizard in your past life would've been just as cool.'

Phil held his nose up indignantly.  
'Lizards are actually scarier Dan! They can pop up from anywhere and you wouldn't notice!'

Dan exclaimed as if Phil had committed blasphemy.

'They breath fire! They have a bloody Z-axis Phillip!'  
He flailed moving Phil's arm and the umbrella all around.

'Don't call me Phillip, your not my mum.'  
He pouted not commenting on Dan's other choice of words.  
If Ron could say 'bloody' in Harry Potter he figured it was okay.

He wouldn't try it in front of his mum though.

Dan didn't grace him with a reply as he hummed happily dragging Phil to his house saying something about Mario cart, dry shirts and hot chocolate but Phil didn't need to change clothes to feel warmth now.

For all his squishy shoes and wet hair, he didn't notice himself shiver again.

Dan's hand burned brightly in his, it was the only blanket one could ever need.

It was soft and radiated heat in the most pleasent way possible. It was a hand you could hold forever.

Phil smiled tightening his grip and felt the gesture being returned.

Back at the Howell residence, Dan dripped onto the carpet not listening to his mum's exasperated admonishment as he rambled on about how he had utterly wrecked Phil at puddle jumping.

Phil only grinned thanking Mrs. Howell as he sipped his hot cocoa by the fire, his friend recounting the tale to his father now, right beside him.

He didn't mind that at all.

Dan could win all the puddle races he wanted but if he ended up holding Phil's hand like that, Phil would only add to his list of victories.

After all, it can't be a loss when it feels better than winning can it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sad.  
> I wrote this with such heart but I accidently refreshed the page losing the part I was about to post so I had to rewrite it all and it turned out awful as I wasn't in the zone.  
> I wanted to dedicate this to my one reader to thank for the motivation and support.  
> I'm so sorry.


	5. Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A stolen kiss leads to even more obliviousness or maybe half realised realisations.Oh to be young and in love.

Phil heaved breathlessly, hiding behind the largest rose bush he could find, face red as he frantically looked around.  
The playground seemed empty but it was far from it. Phil's heart pounded a mile a minute.  
It wasn't fair.  
He knew he would be found first.  
In an all class hide and seek with his clumsiness and Dan being the seeker, the odds were more than against him.

'Phil!'  
The sudden noise triggered him as he jumped.Someone had called him from behind and unexpectedly it wasn't Dan.

The girl behind him crouched as she hid herself, making her way to his front then sat down facing him.  
It was Bree Turner who grinned at him scooting suffocatingly close.

Phil had never been the one for appreciating strangers pouncing into his personal space especially girls and this was Bree Turner.  
She was practically a celebrity in his class with her Dritini backpack and a high score no one had yet rivalled in street fighter.  
Every boy claimed to have a crush on her only to be rejected mercilessly.  
Phil was intimidated to say the least.

'Hi.'  
He squeaked quietly scooting away a bit.

She only grinned wider her blonde pigtails bouncing a bit as she crawled nearer.

'Hey!'

She greeted back happily and patted dust off her jeans.

It was a minute of awkward silence and Phil avoiding her gaze before she spoke again.

'You know your not like the other boys Phil.'  
She said in a weird tone her eyes shinning as her lips curved up mischevioisly.

Phil decided he was frightened at some level at least.

'I'm not?'  
He gulped, out of his element and clawing at a chance to escape.

'Nuh uh.'  
She shook her head.  
'Your really cute and don't bully me because I'm better than you at games.'

She said as matter of fact.

Well that wasn't bad at all. Phil blushed lightly at the comment and smiled. She was just being nice to him.

'and I really really like you.'  
She blushed looking down a bit then grinned up at Phil.

Phil sighed in relief at the positive pace of the conversation. Who knows he could make a new friend?

'I like you too Bree. Your really nice. I don't know why the others bully you though, I'm sure I heard many of them admitting how they had a crush on you.'

She scoffed waving her hand dismissively.

'I know. I know. All of them are idiots.'  
She chuckled.  
'though I didn't think you'd be one Phillip.'

Phil tilted his head confused.

'I've never bullied you Bree.'  
He mentioned softly.

She sighed and opened her mouth as if to say something. Then she closed it eyes widening slightly as if struck by an amazing idea.

Before Phil could ask her how he had offended her again she just smiled evily and leaned forward pecking his lips.

Phil was stunned, he couldn't speak as she got up giggling and ran away.

That was....for a lack of better words...unexpected.

His surprise was evident as he didn't move for a while, lifting his hand to his mouth and gently touching it with his finger tips.

Bree had just kissed him where only his mum kissed his dad. No one had ever kissed him on his lips before. Were friends supposed to do that?

He was so dazed that he didn't even notice Dan had ran away from behind a tree.

To his credit though, Dan had left before Bree had.

To Dan's credit, he didn't know why he ran.

He could've gotten two finds from one hiding place but somehow when he saw Bree's lips touching Phil's his throat had closed up.

He couldn't call out to them.  
He couldn't move towards them.

His legs trembled, stuck in a spot as he blinked rapidly trying not to cry.

He had tried to call out to them, he had, but he had chocked and his voice broke on his trembling lips and constricting throat.

Why was he crying?  
It didn't make any sense to him but that didn't mean his heart didn't feel like it was breaking.

like it was being ripped right out of his chest and he was watching it being stomped on.

He didn't wait for Phil to go home. He had ignored him, pretending to sleep, when he came by to see him, worried. 

It burned.  
Then it was like ice settling deep in his veins and he asked his mom what to do about his symptoms when it got too unbearable.

She made him take a leave for a day from school but he wasn't sick. He didn't have a fever, didn't have a cold.

Still it felt worse than any illness he had ever encountered and he just rubbed at his chest with a frown willing the pain to go away.

All that he could think about was Phil. Bree and Phil. Bree's lips on Phil.

Phil kissing Bree.

Somehow after all the time he had admired her for her gaming skill in pokemon trading cards, he felt an unjust anger towards her.

He shouldn't.  
Why did it effect him so much?

Phil kissing someone else.

Someone else?  
Wasn't he jealous because he wanted Bree to kiss him?  
That should be how it was.  
Wasn't it?  
But why?  
Why could he only think of Phil, Phil, Phil.

Phil was a boy, his best friend.

You don't kiss boys on the lips.  
You don't want to kiss boys on the lips!

You don't kiss your best friend on the lips.  
You don't want to kiss your best friend on the lips!

Weren't there some sort of rules for all these things?

He rubbed his head groaning and earned a concerned glance from his mother who placed a bowl of warm chicken soup on his bed side table and sat down.

'Now tell me Daniel, what's wrong?'  
She raised her brow.

He shook his head and pulled the duvet closer to his face hiding most of it.

She sighed getting up.  
'I won't force you to tell me but know that I'm here to help you whenever you want me to.'

She had reached the door when his muffeled voice came from beneathe the thick comforter.

'Mum who do you kiss the lips?'

His mum paused then shook her head smiling slightly. Oh so it was love sickness? She grinned to herself.

'Well you can kiss who you want Daniel but most people like to save that only for someone special.'

She flicked the light on.  
'Now finish that soup if you want to be strong enough to swoon a lady.'

She chuckled leaving him to his thoughts.  
If only she knew it wasn't a lady on his mind.

Not at all.

,..........

Phil pouted collecting air in his face like a blow fish before popping it with Dan's palms.  
Some other day Dan might have laughed at his antics but today he only pulled away his wrists from Phil's hold and grumbeled.  
'Stop distracting me from Mario cart.'  
He frowned before turning and resuming his game.

Phil released an exasperated sigh.  
'Its been three days Dan! You don't even want to talk to me! Why are you zombified? Are you still sick?'

Even sick Dan never backed away from bants or refused cuddles.He bounced on his feet worried bringing up his warm palm to Dan's forehead.

Dan pulled back abruptly with a hiss.  
'Can you stop being annoying for one second Phillip!?'  
He shouted and Phil was taken aback.

Never ever ever in all those years of friendship had Dan ever shouted at him or been mean to him in a way that wasn't just playful joking.

He bit his lip. 

He didn't mean for them to but his eyes watered slightly as he mumbeled a small 'okay' and sat back on the couch facing away from Dan and rapidly blinking away the signs of how upset he was.

That pulled Dan out of his agitated state.

He was devastated.  
In his own internal crisis he had hurt the one person who meant everything to him.  
His sweet best friend who was the kindest person in the world.  
The one person who had been with him through everything. Every sad and happy memory he had yet made, the ones he wanted to make all involved Phil.

Then it all clicked.

He had been so miserable because it was Phil.  
Phil was HIS special person.

He didn't really hate Bree.

He had been angry at her. At Phil.

He was heartbroken because he didn't want Phil to kiss her. To kiss anyone who wasn't Dan.

A sharp breath left him as he lunged himself on top of Phil who cried out in surprise at being tackled and wiped his face not wanting Dan to see that a few tears had spilled.

'I'm so sorry.'  
Dan repeated, mumbling into Phil's chest as he clutched his tshirt tightly.

'Its okay. I know you didn't mean to shout.' Phil sniffed and smiled at him running his hand through Dan's curls. 'I'm sorry for being such a baby.'

'No no no.'  
Dan pulled back.  
'Don't say that Phil, your perfect. I'm the one whos a jerk.'

He teared up.  
'I was so jealous of Bree kissing you that I took it out on you.'

Phil's eyes widened.  
'Why were you jealous Dan?'

Dan straddeled him facing him and holding Phil's shoulders and shaking them lightly as he tried not to cry.

'Because your mine Phil.'  
His words came out a broken whine.  
'You only kiss your special person on the lips Phil. Am I not your special person? Is Bree your special person? Do you like her more than me?'  
He chocked on his words as a small sob left him.

Phil watched Dan trying and failing his attempt to stop crying dumbounded.

Dan's special person. Dan's special person. Dan's special person.

Me?

Phil's face glowed bright red as he held Dan's hands in his looking into his eyes.

A kiss on the lips. A special person. Something only his mum did with his Dad. The person you want to wake up to everyday.

Phil's mind was a whirlpool.  
He felt dizzy from happiness.

It all made sense.

'You think I'm your special person Dan?'

Dan nodded as he scrunched his face trying to keep the tears at bay.

'Then your my special person too Dan.' He smiled warmly. 'I won't let Bree Turner or anyone else kiss me ever again.'

Dan wiped his face with his fists, rubbing frantically.

'Promise?'  
'Promise.'

Before Phil could add any other reassurances he felt Dan grab his cheeks between both his palms and pull him forward, pushing his lips against Phil's with bruising force.

It wasn't soft and light, fleeting and almost forgotten like Bree. 

Dan's channeled all his anger and sorrow and love. He wanted to erase Bree.

He didn't have a clue what he was doing.

Dan's lips were chapped and pressing painfully hard. They could feel their teeth beneath their closed mouths and both of them had no idea how a proper kiss was even meant to be done.

Dan pulled away blushing furiously and got off his lap only to cuddle beside him. Head on Phil's shoulder.

'Mine.'  
Dan whispered hugging him closer.

Phil's lips tingeled and a warmth spread through him down to his toes.  
Despite the painful sting in his lips, Phil decided it was the best kiss he'd ever had.

They never brought it up again. Not knowing what being a special person to each other entailed clearly.  
No more lip kisses were exchanged.

There had been moments though when their eyes had met and they found themselves leaning in only to pull back and look away embaressed.

Could boys do that? Can they be each others special person? Would Phil/Dan mind if he kisses him again?

The questions lingered at the back of their minds.

But Dan was Phil's and Phil was Dan's. That was absolute. Without doubt. Without question.

And no matter what confused them or evaded their limited experiences. Barred to them because of age...it all was all alright.

As long as Phil cuddled him when he slept, played silly games when they felt like it. As long as Phil was still there. Dan was going to be just fine.

And Phil?

Well Phil smiles looking at Dan knowing one thing for sure.

All his kisses belong to Dan. Now and forever.

It feels good when your special person calls you 'mine' doesn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and express your thoughts!  
> (Much thanks very love :D)


	6. Is loving you wrong?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil make a new friend, as much as Dan would like to admit otherwise. He also comes across some life changing revelations. This is all a part of growing up after all.

'You don't have taste at all Phillip. Lions are so mainstream.'  
Dan said in a rather condescending tone as he pursed his lips and swinged forward, brown hair ruffled from the wind.  
Phil's swing swung backwards in sync, his cheeks flushed from chatting excitedly as he moved, hands gripping the chains tightly. He had slipped off the seat twice and he did not want to risk another butt bruise.  
'That's why they're mainstream Dan! Everyone knows they're the best! RAWR'

He replied to his friend's distaste. As adorable as the roar was, he wasn't in the mood to coo and lose to the cuteness card.

Dan scoffed hooking his elbows on the chains of the swing, flailing his hands to emphasis his point.

'No listen Phil. Lamas are obviously better. They can spit in the lions eyes and blind him easily and have you seen those hooves? who'd survive a kick from that.'

Phil stuck his tongue out at him playfully pushing his feet back to swing higher.  
'Lions won't ever lose in a fight with Lamas Dan. Plus they're the best to snuggle with, so cuddly and soft.'

The azure eyed boy grinned.

'Are you kidding me? Lamas are practically the animal version of a cloud! they're the fluffiest! A lion would eat you before you even got a chance to touch it!'

'Exactly.'

Phil cheekily jabbed as he held his head up victoriously.

Dan was having none of it.

' Exactly my foot! Phi...'  
Dan hadn't had the chance to even begin when Bree groaned loudly.

' Can't the lion and Lama both be awesome? I swear its been an hour with these weird animal bants! You guys are so annoying to hang out with sometimes!'

Her curly blonde hair was put up in a bun which got crooked as she flopped down on the grass. She had been sitting near the swinging boys making a flower crown, listening quietly and eye rolling at their inability to accept the others opinion as valid.

'No one invited you Noodle head.'  
Dan retorted.  
'I don't need your 'invitation' howling Howell.'  
She pulled a tongue at him to which Dan replied equally immaturely with face gestures of his own and Phil only smiled widely at their interaction.

As much as Dan pretended to find her annoying, Phil could see that he actually enjoyed her company a lot.

After all, Dan and Bree were two peas in a pod, in a way. Emotionally aggressive and easily riled up, competitive gamers who were absolute sweethearts once you got to know them.

Phil smiled remembering how Bree became a part of their tiny circle.

He had pulled Dan along with him to tell her that he couldn't reciprocate her feelings. He was nervous and clutching Dan's hand tightly in his, who was squeezing back in reassurance. Girls were scary as it is and this was Bree. Not only that, he was about to go reject the infamous tomboy heart throb. 

The girl had listened to him half interested nodding along to his apologies, her gaze transfixed on their interlocked hands.

' So you two together then?'  
She smirked as she asked looking between them.

They had blushed looking at each other wide eyed not knowing how to reply. It wasn't as if they had their own situation figured out in any way. boys couldn't be together like 'that' could they?Thankfully, she had interjected before they could form and stutter out a completely senseless reply.

'Don't worry, I won't make fun of you or anything. I have two dads and even if i didn't i'm not stupid enough to judge.'

Two dads? Phil thought, so boys could marry each other like his mum and dad had? His eyes widened and cheeks flushed.  
Dan on the other hand frowned, make fun of them? Judge them? For what? He did not know but he did not like the sound of that.

' You have two dads?! So boys can marry each other?'  
Phil asked not being able to contain his excitement and Dan looked at her as well, broken out of his inner turmoil and curious for an answer as well.

She shrugged patting her stray hairs down. Agh, having curly hair was so exhausting and high maintenance.

'Of course, Doesn't matter if your a boy or a girl,if you like someone you can marry them. Kiss them. Go out with them. Live with them for ever and ever. What matters is to be with someone and do something that makes you happy.'  
She popped a rather large pink bubble after blowing it with the gum she was chewing as she finished her speech. Dan and Phil only listened stunned. Her wise words a revelation.

'Although, clearly you have no taste Phillip.'  
She grinned staring pointedly at Dan whose eyes narrowed at the unwanted comment.

'All of the boys and girls to choose from and you go for this squishy baboon.'

Dan fumed.  
'What do you know you jealous noodle headed Pokemon freak!'  
'Says the one wearing a poke ball T-shirt.'  
'It was a gift from my mum!'  
'Was your mum forcing you to ask me red and blue DS cheat codes last week?'  
Phil learned after a while that it was best to escape from the back unnoticed. He visit Dan when he got home. It wasn't wise to get caught up in the cross fire.

Needless to say it was the start of a beautiful friendship.  
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Dan was eating his breakfast in the best mood ever. Never before had cereal tasted so serene at wee hours of the morning.  
He surprised his mum by getting up without too much of a fuss and actually see sunlight on a Sunday. It was unheard of for him.

The reason was, this Sunday, for once Martyn hadn't dragged Phil away for one of his weird brother-brother time adventures.( 'Phil you spend way too much time with Dan! I need some love too!' Martyn would say dramatically making Phil giggle and Dan roll his eyes with a grin. It was hard not to love each and everyone of the Lesters ).  
Phil, now that he was free from Martyn's kidnapping sequence, was accompanying him to the arcade for an intense face off on the dance mat and karaoke station along with other cool stuff.

He couldn't be happier. Maybe he'd win his boyfriend something at the grab and go machine( a lion maybe that he seemed to like so damn much, he rolled his eyes).  
Wait, boyfriend?  
He blushed at the thought.  
Like girlfriend-boyfriend but in a boyfriend-boyfriend way?  
He shook his head at himself, grinning, cheeks red.  
He was being just as weird as Phil when he'd said ' So when we marry do we take turns being a mommy or do we have to pass some special test for that?'

Phil.  
His boyfriend.

His chest expanded with a squeezing pressure of happiness that pulled at his heart strings and he couldn't wait to wrap his arms around Phil's neck when he saw him and kiss him. His cheeks, his head his lips everything.  
Boyfriends were allowed to kiss each other on the lips weren't they?  
Oh and if they were boyfriends....would this count as their first date?  
He blushed deeper holding his cheeks with his palms as he giggled giddily.

'What are you so excited about Daniel?'  
His father grinned as he raised a brow, folding his newspaper. Finding Dan in this mood was both amusing and concerning.

Dan was about to holler excitedly about how he had a date with Phil when the bell rang.

He practically shoved everything aside as he jumped out of his chair and sprinted to the door throwing it open.

To his disappointment and horror, he found Bree outside.

' Lets go snail boy, Phillys waiting for us at his place. '

She smirked patting his head. Before he could get over all his dreams crashing down she giggled.

'Last one to tackle Phil is a slow and sour slug!'

She ran making Dan sigh.

As much as he wanted to prevent Bree from manhandling Phil and stealing a hug, his mum would kill him for going out in his pajamas.

His father noticed the dejected demeanor.  
'I take that it wasn't Phil?'  
( Who else could Dan had been expecting, of course his father guessed right.)

Dan scrunched his nose.  
'Yeah, we were supposed to go to the arcade but Bree Mc tag-along is inviting herself to leach onto us.'

He pulled on his jumper grumbling.

'Bree Turner?'  
Dan affirmed with a nod absentmindedly as he pulled on his outside shoes.

Suddenly, he was startled by his father turning him around by the arm with a very serious expression. He decided he didn't like that look.  
'Listen Daniel, try not to hang around that girl too much okay?'

Dan rubbed his neck in confusion.  
He secretly liked Bree, almost admired her knowledge,confidence and butt kicking Powers, as much as he wouldn't admit it.

'Why?'

His genuine confusion leaked out. Was she secretly a gang member? A mafia lord? ( He knew it! She does seem too sassy to be a normal little girl.)

His father grimaced.  
' Her parents are....they are two men Dan. Thats un-natural and awful, lord knows how they rub off on their daughter.'

Silence.

Dan felt something thick stuck in his throat.  
His heart seemed to drop down in his chest, heavy and suffocating.  
'So two boys can't be daddies together? They can't be boyfriends?'

He got out with difficulty, trying not to cry.  
He felt like he could cry for days. 

He gulped it down.

' Obviously not! Its disgusting.'  
His father cringed outwardly and then shook his head.

'Okay, go now, have fun. Your a good boy unlike those demented sinners.'

He ruffled Dan's hair but didn't notice the expression he sported.

Even after his father went back to his own activities, even when he left the house, even as he opened the doors to Phil's home and was greeted by the aroma of Mrs. Lester's cookies.  
He couldn't shake off the depression and self-hatred that loomed over him.

 

Two men together was awful, un-natural, a sin?  
It was disgusting?  
His love for Phil was disgusting?  
Making Phil his special person was disgusting?

Was Dan disgusting for liking Phil?  
Was Phil disgusting for liking Dan?

Disgusting,Disgusting,Disgusting,Disgusting.

It rang in his head making it throb as he opened the door to the gaming room.  
He wanted to curl up in a corner and die. How could he face Phil now?

But there on the bed, sitting beside a humming Bree was Phil.  
She was swinging her legs back and forth giving Dan a disproving glare at his tardiness while Phil....

Phil was sat there knees up, back against the wall. A baby hamster on his head, two on his lap and a few rubbing their heads on his sock clad feet.

His ginger hair curled slightly on his forehead, blue eyes twinkling as he gave Dan the warmest smile in the world.  
His lips remained curved up, cheeks pink and glowing as he raised a finger to his cupid-bow lips, mouthing; ( 'Their sleeping!) while he pointed to the two cuddly fuzzballs in his lap.

Dan's mouthed hung open as his breath got caught in his throat. He felt a wet film of tears cover his eyes. 

His dad must be lying.  
He must be confused.  
Dan would've believed it for himself but Phil......

No.

Phil ,as anything, wouldn't be disgusting.  
Couldn't be disgusting.  
Because how would that even be possible?

How could loving Phil ever be wrong?

He was Phil.

Phil was absolutely beautiful.  
It was impossible to not love him.

So when a concerned Phil asked him why he climbed onto the bed, hiding his face in Phil's shoulder refusing to look up for almost an hour.  
(Bree had left with an eye roll and a hidden smile)  
He just looked up with wet lashes (alarming Phil) and pecked his lips gently, making his boyfriend stutter and blush and incredibly flustered.

Because nothing was disgusting about loving Phil.  
Dan decided.

 

Nothing at all.

 

 

.........................................................................( Unedited as hell )................................................................................................................................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried. *sighs*


	7. Everything has changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prejudice breaches the purest of heart and corrupts innocence. Children are no exception in clutches of such an environment.
> 
> Language warning; Homophobic slurs.

'Wow! So pretty!'  
Amanda poked Phil on the side who was startled by the his class fellow enthusiastically admiring his craft.  
It was a string with multi colored beads on it and Phil was trying to adjust a hook on it's end.  
He grinned shushing her with a finger to his lips.  
'I'm making a surprise bracelet for Dan, be quiet he might hear.'  
He glanced at the busy boy sitting with his back to him, furiously coloring in a birthday card he had been making for Bree for half an hour now. Even with the effort he was putting in it, he was adamant that he was being forced by Phil to do it. The lie was obvious as had started on it as soon as he found out that the girl's birthday was nearby and Phil already had a card prepared.

 

Amanda giggled with a nod to Phil's request for secrecy and went back to coloring in her rather terrifying drawing of a frog-cow hybrid.  
Their arts teacher was open minded like that, allowing children to make what they were inspired to.  
Maybe he was just procrastinating on like 'actually making a lesson plan' but it didn't matter did it?  
They were having fun and crafting, that's what's art's about.

Phil grinned casting secret glances towards the brown haired boy huddled in a corner not too far away as he was piecing together his creation. Another tiny red thread mark formed on his finger with all the tugging and pulling he was doing...well more so because of how distracted he was. 

One little cut showed a drop of red.He didn't notice. 

He was too preoccupied by yellow heart shaped beads and even more colorful Dan shaped happy thoughts.

 

...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Dan examined the piece of wrist jewelry Phil had bestowed upon him.  
'Boyfriend bracelet?'

He asked a bit bewildered and blushing, as he stood in front of Phil in the playground after school. His small hands holding onto the straps of his Winnie the Pooh backpack.  
Phil smiled shyly as he looked down, his shoe making a circle in the dirt as he tried to fight off the sudden nervousness he felt.  
'Yeah.'  
He started softly, rubbing his arm sheepishly.  
'Josh told me he bought his girlfriend flowers when they started going out. I don't know how it works when you have a boyfriend but i really really wanted to give you something too because i really really love you Dan and I um..'  
He rambled, not knowing why he felt so shy all of a sudden. He peeked up at Dan, gulping.  
'So...um..Do you like it? I made it in arts class.'

Dan took in what Phil said and his the red in his cheeks slowly grew as did his smile.Why did Phil have to be the cutest thing ever? It was a bit unfair. 

The sentiment of the weird yet creative little string of beads and Phil's timid glance tugged at his heart strings. He noticed the various red thread marks on Phil's pale fingers as Phil played with them waiting for a reply. He was a klutz, managing to injure himself with even the safest utensils and still giving it his best to make others happy,despite the injuries.  
Dan shook his head as his eyes lit up and he pulled Phil in for the tightest hug ever. His arms wrapping around his best friend.

Phil let out a surprised 'oomph' as he was dragged into Dan's tight squeeze.  
'Thank you! I love it! It's awesome!' was the excited response.  
Dan pulled back with a wide grin which made his face glow and showed a bit of his pearly white teeth and Phil swore he'd make bracelets every day if this was the reaction he was going to get. He was absolutely smitten.  
He leaned a little to kiss Dan's forehead.  
'I'm glad you do.'  
He smiled gently and the warm adoration in his blue eyes was deep enough to make Dan melt. His heart must be a puddle by now, after all the things Phil did.  
Dan didn't know how to stop smiling when the boy was with him. It was a bit more then impossible.

He held Phil's wrists in his hands as he stepped forward, his nose brushing with Phil's. The empty swings moving gently in the wind, the distant laughter of children...everything seemed to mute and disappear around them and they only seems to hear their hearts beating in their ears. Breath soft, like it was afraid to ruin the moment.

'Hey Phil.'  
He started. Voice dropping to a whisper.

 

'Yeah?'  
Phil asked bashfully as he felt his face burn. He was drowning in Dan's honey colored eyes as they met his cerulean ones in such close proximity.  
It was hard to speak. To breathe. To do anything but lose himself in the boy that stood in front of him.

'I..'  
Dan started with a mumble then bit his lip. He gave Phil a small smile as he blushed trying to continue.

 

'I really wanna kiss you again Phil.'

 

His smile grew as he looked down for a moment, shy, then back up his eyes warm and hued golden in the sun and Phil was gone.

He was gone and done and oh lord that beautiful beautiful smile.

 

'Oh.'

Phil's face grew hotter as he blushed hard and his eyes flickered to Dan's slightly chapped, cupid shaped pink lips. He gulped.

'Can i?' Dan murmured coyly. 'Please?'

A small gasp left Phil's parted lips, struck hard by the affection he felt. It was a bit overwhelming as he was hit by the full force of it. His heart thudded painfully in his chest as he nodded trembling a little and willed himself to calm down. Dan's smile grew softer and his lashes fluttered, meeting his cheeks as he closed his eyes. He stood on his toes, arms wrapped around Phil's waist as he joined their lips.

Unlike their first kiss, it was so gentle, so soft that Phil wanted to cry. He didn't know that happiness could make someone cry before this moment.  
His feelings were returned full force. He was wanted.  
And Dan was so close, so close and so ethereal. He was unreal.  
His best friend, his boyfriend, was the best human to exist.

He felt his insides glow with the sunny fullness of joy as his arms tightened around Dan. Their closed mouths were barely sliding against each other. Lips pressed together pulling away then meeting again. It made Phil feel needed and loved and Dan and Dan and Dan. ...Dan.  
'Dan.'  
He whispered not knowing he had said it out loud.

 

'Yeah?'  
Dan whispered, only leaving a small space between them, arms still around his boyfriend as he gazed at Phil with an adoration that even seeped out into the air around them. It was thick and sweet and Phil was chocking it as he was caught off guard with how deeply he felt for the boy before him.He was.. Speechless.

For all their daily banter left him with zero experience to handle Dan in this pure, unadulterated,love-struck mood and he searched for words to say to fill the space he had created. Or pull him close again, removing the distance with another kiss.

His lips parted. Dan,dan,dan,dan.  
His mind was a loop.....

Of this perfect, beautiful boy who even loved him back. Dan was the best thing in his life. Better then all of his game collections and movies and all his favorite t-shirts. He gaped as he struggled to put his feelings into words.

He had none.

'Hey Faggots!'  
And just like that the trance was broken. They broke apart, albeit still clutching each other's arms and watched warily as a group of older boys approached them, their expression less then friendly. Phil decided he didn't like them as he pulled Dan behind him by instinct. Being older by a few months and slightly taller, he wanted to be Dan's shield against any harm. Being in love with Dan, he didn't know any better. He couldn't save him from everything forever, he wouldn't be even able to save himself. Phil didn't know that yet. All he knew was Dan.  
Dan who was sweet and kind and innocent.  
Phil glared at them as they circled around, Dan tugging nervously at his sleeve confused by the intimidating tall teens.

He didn't know what to make of the clearly older boys coming to them.

'So whatch'a little queers up to?'  
A nasally mean voice belonging to the one in the mid assaulted Phil's ear as a bubble was popped near his face making him take a few steps back. The orange haired boy with a baseball cap pulled back on his head grinned evilly.He was enjoying the fear on their faces,... how scared they looked.

They remained quiet not knowing what to do in such a situation. It was harrowing enough to be stared down by their predatory eyes. Dan pulled Phil closer to himself.

It all happened too quickly.

Phil was ripped away from him as he yelped, dragged up by his shirt. He hung in mid air as the mean looking bully glared down at him. Dan ran to help him but was quickly held back by a pair of stronger arms, his struggling bore no effect at all.

'I asked you a question you scrawny faggot!'  
Phil trembled as the boy almost spat on his face.

'I..i don't know what you mean by that..'  
He barely got out, frightened out of his mind.

The baseball-cap-guy smirked.  
'It means fairies like you who kiss other boys. Yeah we saw you two disgusting freaks make out from a mile.'  
"disgusting",the word echoed in Dan's mind like an omen as he felt his eyes prick with tears. The other two snickered.

Phil's brows rose in genuine confusion.  
'Why are you mad? Is kissing a bad thing to do?'

The bully paused baffled.

Then threw him on to the ground and Phil winced clambering to sit up by his elbows. He crawled back a bit as the taller drew nearer, looming over him.  
'Isn't this funny?! The fags trying to act cute!'  
He said playfully but their was an angry growl in his voice that made Phil shiver and the dark look on his face was no better.  
He came closer till his feet were just by Phil and leaned down threateningly.  
'Let me educate you, you piece of shit. Whats disgusting is you kissing another boy like the filthy little freak that you are.'  
He gave a pointed look in Dan's direction who was still trying to tug out of the tight hold on him pleading for him to leave Phil alone.

Phil's eyes softened. Oh. Thats why. They weren't bad, they just didn't understand.  
They didn't understand boys could kiss too if they were in love. He hadn't known that too like Phil hadn't known what his feelings for Dan were in the beginning. 'Thats because i love Dan. I don't care if hes a boy or a girl.'  
He provided with a smile as he cast Dan an adoring look. Dan couldn't return the smile at all, there was a deep unsettling feeling of dread in his stomach. Dan knew better then to paint a pretty picture of a putrid world. His father's words still fresh in his head.

He was right.

'How bloody disgusting.'  
The boy spat in Phil's face and his bright smile dropped. Before Phil could ask what was disgusting, his stomach radiated with pain.A sharp kick had made contact with it, making him gasp.  
He doubled over, hearing Dan's distant pleading grow louder.

'Lets show him what happens to little faggots who kiss each other.'  
He chuckled as he taunted, kicking Phil square on the jaw after dragging him up by his hair.

Dan started crying. Blood tricked down Phil's lip as he fell limply onto the dirt below.

Phil didn't deserve this. Phil was smiles and hugs and kindness. He wasn't disgusting. He wasn't a freak.  
Phil was Phil. He wasn't what they called him. Dan's words were caught in his throat.

He knew they wouldn't understand. He knew how blind people could get. He had grown.

Phil had barely come back to his senses when he felt himself being pulled up again by his neck. He felt his face being twisted i someones grip, a hand moving it by the chin.  
His attacker was now manhandling him as he addressed Dan.

'Now look at this work of art you little bitch and remember the consequences of being diseased little shits.'  
Dan whimpered involuntarily when Phil was thrown to the ground again.  
'I'm letting you off easy this time. Be thankful.'  
He added chuckling as he turned to go, his followers strutting behind.

Petrified, Dan stood frozen on the spot until they disappeared from sight. As soon as they were gone, he ran to Phil and blinked away the tears dragging his pale, bruising body onto his lap. He patted his cheeks, wiping a trail of blood from the ginger haired boy's chin.  
'Phil? Phil? Are you okay? oh my God your bleeding!'  
He gasped as a few tears rolled down his cheeks and blue eyes fluttered open.

'I..i'm okay.'

Phil smiled and tried to sit up with a wince, leaning heavily on Dan.

Dan shook his head now fully crying.  
'No.'  
He sobbed.  
'You'er hurt.'

Phil patted his back as he cried on his shoulder.  
'Hey, Dan i'm okay i promise.'  
He continued.

'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.'  
Dan repeated in his mumbling. (for not saving you. For being useless.) The words echoed in his head, but he wasn't coherent enough to get them out.

'Not you're fault.'  
and like always Phil understood what he meant. 

He continued slowly as speaking hurt his ribs.  
'Don't blame yourself one bit Bear 'cause it's not you're fault at all that i'm hurt or I'll be very mad and sad and you wouldn't want that will you?'

He smiled softly pulling Dan back with a poorly concealed flash of pain in his eyes.  
'Okay?'  
The force in his words only made Dan nod as he sniffed trying not to cry.

'I'm so awful Philly, you're *hiccup* hurt and i'm the one *hiccup* crying.'

Phil grinned.'Cause you're a cry baby Howell.'

And suddenly the tension disappeared.

'Shut up.'  
Dan laughed rubbing his eyes as a few more tears fell.  
He couldn't believe Phil was still making jokes. Trying to make him laugh while he was so badly beaten up. 'Dan?'  
Phil mumbled a moment later.  
Dan looked at him in question then failed to suppress a giggle as he saw the boy holding the yellow bracelet, somehow still intact despite the flimsy string.  
'You never wore it.'  
Phil blushed rubbing his neck.  
'Oh you spork!'  
Dan laughed, slipping on the wrist accessory as he went to tackle Phil into a hug then stopped and jumped back as if shocked.  
He sent a nervous look around them.  
'What's wrong Dan?'  
Phil asked, he had been expecting a big hug but was only met by more distance as Dan backed away.

'Nothing.' Dan gave him a rather unconvincing smile. Phil frowned. 'Now let me help you home you silly oaf, you're still bleeding from you'r lip.'

Phil reached the Lester residence more then half an hour later, leaning heavily on a very careful and smothering Dan.

For all his support, Phil felt a strange unwanted space between them as they walked shoulder to shoulder.

It was uncomfortable.  
Phil's heart was suddenly burdened.  
It felt like Phil wasn't wanted...... wasn't loved.

No.  
No way.

He looked at Dan.

His smile was still holding the same affection it had all day, just mixed in with a strange ....nervousness?..... reservedness?

Phil could not for the life of him put a finger on it but he knew one thing.

He had finally found something he hated.

This invisible space between them.

This lie of a smile Dan gave him.

He had found use for the word hate.

For all fate had in store, It had been inevitable.

.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

'I'll fucking kill them when i finally get bitten by some weird animal and get super powers.'

Phil's eyes widened as Mr.s Lester shot Dan a disapproving look at dropping the F-bomb. Dan mumbled a sheepish sorry.His signature charming smile made her get off his case with an eye roll. She started to wrap Phil's torso in another layer of bandage.

'To be honest Dan, knowing you it would be a llama and you'll just have the most powerful spit in the world.'  
Dan mustered the best glare he could, internally pleased with his answer. Phil giggled at him, then winced as another pang erupted in his stomach.  
Dan's playful look dropped as his eyes flickered between Phil's wounds.  
Phil rolled his eyes.  
'This isn't that bad. I'm okay' '... and i think they must be having a really bad day to be this mean. I think they might even apologize if we see them again.'

Phil dismissed his assault easily swinging his legs as he sat on his bed.  
Maybe to dispel Dan's distress?,to repress the bad thoughts?, to find good in the awful situation? he didn't know..but the flash of fear in his eyes as he mentioned seeing them again didn't go unnoticed by Dan who looked offended to the core.

His eyes widened like saucers.

'Are you kidding me Phil?! They punched and kicked you in till you couldn't even walk by yourself and you sit here planning tea and crumpets with them!'  
He had barely managed to not shout. Phil opened his mouth to retort when his mother intervened. She had been silent for a while, planning to report this to Phil's father in the evening. She wanted to recruit him for operation 'catching and crucifying the culprits who had laid a finger on her baby'. 

'Philly, what happened love? You never told me why the boys came up to you two like that.'  
She petted his hair and kissed his forehead, picking up her nurse maid apparatus.

Phil nodded biting his lip as he quickly started recounting the events.  
'Oh mum it was in the playground! Dan and I were kis-.'

'KIDDING around on the slides and they wanted a turn and pushed us and stuff!!'  
Dan quickly interjected, leaving Phil baffled by the blatant lie and Mr.s Lester confused.

'Oh..okay.'  
She was clearly not convinced but to her credit said no more and left the boys to their devices, internally accessing Phil's first bullying which she had a distant idea was about a bigger issue then slides. But she supported her son and would tell him so when he decided to trust her with his secret. Or Dan's. Dan was her son as well in a way. She smiled knowingly. Throwing away the wipes, she begun plotting 'operation eradicate neighborhood pests ASAP.' 

 

'Dan?'  
Phil questioned as soon as his mother left.

Dan wasn't meeting his eyes.

 

'Why did you-'  
Dan's head shot up catching the words in his head before Phil could say them.

Why did you lie Dan?

'I had to lie Phil! Don't you understand you idiot! I had to! Don't you see! People don't think it's normal when boys kiss boys. They hate you and hit you and who knows what you're mum would say if she found out!'

Phil was shocked.

'My mum wouldn't hit me for kissing you Dan! She told me kisses are for special people and you said you were my special person Dan! Plus my mum never hits anyone! She isn't mean!'  
Phil tried to reason with him. His sweet mum hitting someone?? Dan must be going mad.

Dan glared at him.'My dad said being gay was disgusting to me. Boys kissing boys is being gay Phil. What we do is called being gay Phil and almost everyone hates that! Those boys even hit you for it! For nothing but kissing me! Don't you see! you're mum is all nice now and I like her as much as my mum but who knows what she'll do if she hates us when you tell her! MY OWN DAD had called this disgusting Phil! You can never know!'

 

Phil shook his head, fat tears forming in his eyes.  
'She won't. She won't hate us. me...no Dan..listen.. I love you Dan. You're dad is wrong. Everyone is wrong. We just have to show them. I don't care if it's called being gay or whatever those boys said. Why is loving you so bad? Why would my mum hate me for it?'  
He sobbed bringing up his fists to rub his eyes as the hurt poured out.  
He didn't understand.  
Why was this even happening?  
He was happy and warm and soft just this morning and now it was just cold and cold and cold and nothing but pain.  
Dan's words stabbed him harder then any kick in his ribs or face had.

Dan ran to him in a flash, rubbing his back comfortingly.  
Even in his crying haze Phil knew by now he would've usually been hugged tightly, head in Dan's chest. He knew usually there wouldn't even be enough space between them for Dan to run to him.  
He knew and the thought seemed to break him more then anything. He cried harder, the pain in his heart overlapping every other sting in his body. Crying till it was just hacking breaths and dry heaves. Snot and tear tracks and an empty sadness that just wouldn't go away.

Dan rubbed his back as he reassured him.  
'Don't worry Phil. No matter what they think i'll always love you. I just can't stop loving you Phil. Doesn't matter what anyone says. But i have to keep you safe Phil. Keep us safe. Even if we have to keep it a secret from everyone, i will. We have to be careful, not hold hands or kiss in front of people but nothing will change Phil. I promise.'

This was the third lie Dan had ever told Phil if he counted those two awful smiles from before.

Because no matter what Dan told Phil, told himself...Phil knew.

He knew nothing would ever be the same again.

Everything had changed.

The distance was still there taunting him.

Love wasn't just warmth and happiness he would learn.  
The pain of love was just begging to be discovered and Phil was vulnerable and open and such a perfect victim.

Fate just wanted to bite in.

............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

That night laying in his bed, Dan couldn't stop staring at the yellow bracelet that glowed softly on his wrist.  
Phil had remembered his fascination with glow in the dark stuff. He smiled to himself, gaze shifting to the fading and peeling glow in the dark sticker on his lion picture before it came back to admiring the bracelet.  
All through the horrible events that happened today, it had come out unharmed.

Dan shut his eyes tightly breathing deep as Phil's sobbing form came to mind. It was an image burned into his brain forever.  
It was painful.

Phil wasn't allowed to be that sad........but Phil wasn't allowed to get hurt again either.

He would make sure of it.  
He would make sure they come out unscathed in their love like this tiny handcrafted, beaded string had.

Dan promised himself.  
Dan had no ill intentions. His love was pure but....

Promises get broken.  
Time changes everything.

But even if promises break, sometimes hope had to be enough to make a happy ending out of a tragedy.

................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT;
> 
> (1)Dan and Phil may seem too naive for their age in this fiction but children only learn by exposure. Personally for me I learned these things in the same time frame so it seems the most natural for me, so if they seem a bit too clueless it's basically self projection.  
> Everyone learns in their own time about things, where Bree is knowledgeable they are not owing to their experiences or more appropriately lack of them.
> 
> (2) I'm using OCs instead of real people as side characters as I'm more comfortable with that for this fiction.
> 
> (3) I apologize profusely for any grammatical/spelling/language mistake. I'm a noob with English as a second language and accustomed to slang and shit posting.
> 
> LATE UPDATE BECAUSE, i wrote the chapter before and the laptop hanged before i could save it and i just couldn't get myself to re-write it all again. Sorry if this seems crappy or rushed.
> 
> Song recommendations for today because they made my emotional ass cry;  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhqH-r7Xj0E  
> and the awesome cover of idk who he is but damn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UTdyAQa9jQ
> 
> A BIG SHOUT OUT TO MY CURRENT FAV PHANFIC   
> 'A Familiar Kind of Love'  
>  BY AWESOME PEEPS   
> insanityplays (xrosepetalsx) and INeverHadMyInternetPhase  
>  CZ IF U HAVEN'T READ IT UR MISSING THE HELL OUT. (i'm sure u have tbh, lessbe real)
> 
>  
> 
> hope u liked this, sorry for the ramble.


	8. Distance makes the heart grow fonder?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Distance makes the heart grow fonder?  
> Bullshit.  
> It just makes the heart ache.

‘Phil!’

 

Dan grinned, honey brown eyes shining as he waved to Phil who was just shutting his locker, having made another successful hamster sale. He was sad to see black Susan leave but he was sure Emelia would take good care of her.  
He waved back to Dan, enthusiastically running forward to pull the hobbit haired boy in a tight hug.

He had missed him so much for the 10 minutes it had taken Dan to go back to class for his forgotten water bottle.

Dan, though, seemed to stop and pull back just as he was about to tackled him. It was quick but felt like a slow motion to Phil who scratched his arm awkwardly standing back a little. Confused, concerned and trying not to feel dejected.

 

‘So did you get everything?’  
He asked ignoring the small hurt at the avid rejection. Dan’s unease was apparent as his eyes shifted nervously checking to see if anyone was around before smiling at Phil.

It was back, that fake smile.

Phil sighed internally but braved the moment as he tried to normalize the situation and reached out for Dan’s hand like always.  
Dan flinched away.

‘Yeah, Let’s head home.’  
He smiled again, no dimple showing, no crinkle by his eyes and somehow Phil wanted to sob. Sob into his favorite pillow surrounding himself with all his hamsters and lock his door not even letting his mum in but he just managed a small smile back, dropping his hand.

‘Yeah.’  
He answered a tiny break in his voice as he agreed.

Dan walked by him at arms length.

Too far away, he noted as he caught the boy glancing at him guiltily.  
Why was he acting this way? Phil pondered staring at his feet as he focused on the leaves crunching below his every step. The poisoned silence didn’t last long.

Suddenly they both gasped as someone jumped on them from behind, arms looping around their necks, pulling them nearer.

‘How are my favorite homos today? I’m surprised at this offending lack of PDA!’  
She giggled.

Phil smiled as he relaxed. Still a bit jumpy from what had happened before but not admitting it. He repressed those concerns and was about to say how good friends don’t encourage public indecency when Dan tore away startling them both.

‘Shut up Bree! Why are you announcing this to everyone when I told you it’s a secret! You’re awful!’  
He whispered angrily, glaring at the girl so intensely that her playful demeanor vanished. The happy glow on her face disappeared. Dan’s glare grew nervous, taking no notice of hurting his friend as he looked around them like he was waiting for someone to spring out and attack them.

He looked like a cornered prey knowing that its predators lurked in the shadows.  
So angry and afraid.

‘I’m sorry Dan. No one was around anyway..’  
She mumbled and Phil looked down.  
He didn’t like this. 

He knew Dan grew defensive when he was scared or threatened but such a small thing shouldn’t have triggered him.  
Maybe it was his entire fault for not being able to defend himself a week ago. 

Those bullies hadn’t come back but they seemed to have left a deep impression on Dan. 

He heard Dan sigh.  
He had realised his behaviour had been rashvafter the initial shock wore off. ‘I..I’m sorry Bree. I shouldn’t have said that. I was just afraid that someone would hear. You know what happened before.’

Dan was just scared of being attacked again.

Yeah, it was Phil’s own fault. He rubbed his arm dejectedly.  
He had made Dan afraid of being close to him publicly because he was too weak to even protect himself, let alone Dan.  
That would change, he promised.

‘It’s okay Dan.’ She assured him sadly recalling how devastated Dan had been at Phil’s beaten up form. ‘ I should be more careful. '  
She glanced at Phil giving him a small smile as well which he was barely able to return.

The walk to home wasn’t quiet because they didn’t speak, Phil observed.

The putrid silence was now a shrill hammer on his brain because it had been overcome by distance.  
Between him and Dan.

The distance being deafening.  
Too damn loud.

It was so loud that he couldn’t block it out even if he covered his ears and screamed.

So for now, Phil thought with slightly wet eyes, he would shelter himself with the image of Dan’s form, sun kissed, as he traveled by him like a ship drifting by.  
Anchor himself with his fist clenched, trying to remember how warm Dan’s hand felt in his own.  
Maybe if he focused hard enough, it would feel real.

His blood was rushing in his ears.  
The leaves crunched under his feet but it was too loud to hear them anymore.

 

…………………(A FEW MONTHS LATER)……………………

 

Dan bit his lip as his character jumped in front of Phil's running forward in his virtual universe and dragging his friend's pixilated representative towards utter defeat.  
He could almost 'hear' Phil's pout.

Dan couldn’t push down his grin.  
As if on cue Phil bumped his arm playfully into his with a whine.

‘ So unfair Dan! I was actually winning for once!’  
Dan giggled in reply setting down his controller as the game made an obnoxious noise signaling his victory and displaying their scores.

He had barely won this time. Phil’s secret training with Martyn was paying off. He had to step up his game.

He raised his brow setting down his controller as Phil sighed flopping back limply on the sofa, controller abandoned in his lap. Dan turned to face him as he drew up his legs sitting Indian style on the dented cushions beneath him.

‘Told ya not to challenge the master.’  
He grinned cockily as Phil failed to hide his smile behind the glare he was giving.

Dan was so open, so much like himself and it was making Phil feel blessed. Saturday was his new favorite day.

‘I’m pretty sure you’ve sold you’re soul to the devil's favorite demon of gaming to be this good.’  
He supplied his opinion with not-so-well-placed conviction and a small stifled yawn as endless battling for hours was a bit tiring.

‘How did you find out you stalker?’  
Dan asked monotone but lost composure smiling when Phil brought up his foot to nudge at his sides to annoy him as revenge.

He caught the sock clad foot in his hand and pulled it towards him in retort, giggling as Phil let out a small yelp at being practically dragged over onto Dan’s lap like a rag doll while he had lain down.

‘Dan!’  
He whined out a complaint that wasn’t very convincing with the cute blush that was sketched on his cheeks and the small smile dancing on his lips. 

His ginger, more- like strawberry blonde, hair curled slightly on his forehead, blue eyes absorbing Dan as they had a glow like the early morning sky.  
Phil was absolutely beautiful.

 

‘Yes?’  
Dan asked looking down at him fondly.

Phil smiled right back at him as his pale arms traveled up hooking around Dan’s tanner neck.

The brown haired boy sighed happily at the feel of Phil’s soft warm skin against his own as he leaned down.  
His breath soft against Phil’s cheek as he placed a small kiss there.  
Phil’s breath hitched slightly.

It always got to him, no matter how long it had been. For all his burning passion and vibrant personality, Dan was the most gentle person at heart. Always feeling too much. Always caring too much.  
No matter how much the world frightened him, he would still always be Dan.  
His Dan.

Phil felt the affection tug at his heart. His chest had been filled with love for so long it was just a part of him.  
Stitched into his soul at five years old and growing every second, faster than Phil could ever hope to catch up to. 

‘Dan.’  
Phil whispered. (I love you) It was there, in that one word and he felt Dan’s smile on his cheek as he rested his face against Phil. He understood.  
He always did.

‘Phil.’  
He replied with a small hoarseness in his voice.  
Phil understood too. 

He smiled turning his head as he nudged Dan’s head towards his own as well, to place a kiss on his lips.  
He ached to do it. It was more of a need then a show of endearment.

Dan pulled away. Although slightly, but still enough to startle Phil. A pang of familiar rejection in his chest which he repressed at once. It was okay. Dan comes first. 

Whatever he wants. However he was comfortable.

Phil gulped as Dan’s full flushed face, pink lips and honey brown eyes came into view. 

Dan.  
He was gorgeous, inside and out.

Phil could hear his pulse in his ears as a deep tenderness settled within him.  
He loved this boy so much.  
So much.

‘What’s wrong bear?’  
He whispered giving Dan a reassuring smile. He blinked struggling to keep his tired eyes open as he looked up at him waiting for a reply.  
He was always looking out for Dan and his comfort, without realization. It was just a habit by now.  
Something innate. Something that came naturally to him.

Dan shook his head, breaking out of his trance. It was difficult not to get mesmerized by Phil especially when he laid there so soft, pliant and trusting. Whispering endearments to Dan and tugging something deep within him.

‘Nothing I just didn’t want to hurt your lip. It was cut open really bad’  
He whispered back sheepishly.

Phil giggled as the small nervousness in his stomach dissipated.

‘It’s been three months you spoon! Of course it’s healed!’  
Dan grinned back rubbing his head embarrassed as Phil raised his brows in disbelief.

‘Is this why you’ve kept me deprived from kisses for so long?’  
Dan nodded shyly as Phil almost cooed at how cute he was being. Dan’s protectiveness made him feel so special, so loved that he wanted to cry with happiness.  
It made everything better again.

Phil pushed himself up and sat in front of Dan and placed his hand on his cheek, palm warm as his thumb ran across the rosy red skin. Their eyes met and a smile broke out on both boys’ faces.

‘Come here and kiss me now you idiot.’  
Phil huffed smiling as he leaned nearer.

Dan didn’t waste a second; his hands went up to Phil’s head, fingers disappearing in the thick auburn locks as he tugged him closer.  
Drawing him near, Dan pecked at the cupid arrow experimentally, his tongue poking out to run along Phil’s bottom lip, searching for remains of the cut.  
He smiled as he felt Phil shiver from the gesture.

‘Dan.’  
Phil whispered the warning against his lips in reprimand.  
He should stop worrying. Phil was getting so impatient.

Dan chuckled.  
‘I know, I know. Sorry.’  
He breathed out the words quietly and waited for no response pressing his lips against his boyfriend’s. 

Phil melted into the kiss, sighing in content as he felt a smile bloom on his lips, triggering one from Dan.  
His chest filled with warmth and finger tips tingled as he gripped Dan’s shirt tightly, pulling him impossibly close.

The space that had lingered between them had been killing him slowly and this was pain relief.  
Like a balm soothing a burn. Like an oasis in the dessert, the last mouthful of water he was lapping up every single drop he could get.

Dan didn’t seem to be thinking any differently as his gentle tugs to pull Phil nearer were endless, even if there was no distance left to close.  
So close.  
Almost one.  
Like before.

It was counterproductive to smile in their closed mouthed kiss but they couldn’t help it.  
They were so happy.  
So happy.  
So in love.

 

‘Daniel! Phillip! I bought snacks!’

 

Dan heard the faint sound of his mum approaching and pulled away abruptly, eyes wide with fright. 

Phil was pushed back in the process, confusion swirling in his mind as Mrs. Howell burst in with a plate of chips and a tray with two tall glasses of lemonade.

Phil bit his lip hurt.

He knew they shouldn’t kiss in front of their parents, given Dan’s concerns and that it would just be weird but Dan had basically attached himself all the way to the corner. Stumbled so far away from him that all warmth engulfing Phil had disappeared.  
He had even pushed Phil back himself.

This distance never existed between them before.  
Before that day in the playground.

It was the reason he had wondered why they hadn’t kissed in a long while, forgetting his cut. Dan had been acting a bit off when they were with other people. Flinching when Phil touched him, not holding his hand, not cuddling him.  
They had been doing that in front of others for years and now he couldn’t even sit with Dan without leaving at least a foot between them.

Had what happened effected Dan this much?  
It was just tearing Phil from the inside.

‘So how is the weekend treating you boys?’

Mrs. Howell small talked good naturedly, placing the food on the table in front of them as she straightened and patted her dress to settle it’s creases.

 

‘Not too well for Phil here.’ Dan answered without a waver in his voice impressing Phil with his apparent confidence. He had one hand back on his controller and his shaking leg was hidden mostly by the table. Phil and his mum hadn’t seen. ‘I annihilated his ass completely.’

He provided cockily regretting it as soon as the words left his mouth but the flicker of embarrassment that was overwhelmed by fear in his eyes was thank fully left undetected.  
He was such an idiot.

Phil blushed at the implications, thankful that no one’s attention was on him as he tried to gather his composure trying to look a little less like a deer caught in the head lights.  
Mrs. Howell just gave Dan a warning glare.

‘Language Daniel. Learn something from your friend over here, such a potty mouth.’

Dan faked a groan as he feigned nonchalance. Internally his heart raced with the scare he had given himself.  
They were almost caught. He needed to be more careful.

‘Yeah,yeah. I know the drill. Be like the resident angel and grow wings and bless babies back and forth.’

Phil couldn’t help a little smile at his sass and Dan’s mum huffed in mock exasperation turning to the door.

‘Okay Mr. Sarcasm-is-my-middle-name, I’ll just let you boys be. Play all you want but remember to finish your homework okay?’

Both their eyes widened as they looked at each other remembering the assignment they had discarded for later.  
‘Oh my God!’  
‘Oh shit!’  
‘I told you we shouldn’t leave it for later! We’ll never finish by tomorrow now!’  
‘I have the disease of chronic procrastination. What’s your excuse Phil? Not like you were any less keen on the whole race competition!’

The simultaneous half-whispered shouts from behind made Mrs. Howell grin and shake her head.

Boys will be boys, she mused.

As expected, she found them an hour later, drooling on their open books. 

Feet overlapping under the table. She didn’t notice that.

Had it been a while back they would’ve been practically sprawled onto each other. Dan’s head would’ve been lolled back on Phil’s shoulder, their sides pressed together, back against the sofa. They were growing up after all, she hummed picking up the empty plates.

It would be strange after all if they remained attached at the hip forever.  
With time came inevitable distance, even in close friends. Even if it was little.  
Nothing unusual.

She thought not dwelling much on it as her brain moved to other topics, mostly grocery shopping for the next day. She didn’t know how right she was, how wrong as well.

She was wrong. They weren’t just friends.  
She was right. With time came distance, but only if it was given a chance.  
Only if it was allowed to take root.

With distance, someone said…’the heart grows fonder.’

What complete and utter bullshit.

There was a vivid line between fondness and pain.  
Visible and felt even by the blind because distance just created heartache.  
Just gave birth to pain.

And the more you give into the fears that pull you away from what you love, who you love…..  
The more it grows, feeds on the pain till you’re left staring at the broken remains of your actions.... The sun as it sets. 

Searching the horizon for blue eyes that dilate till they become black. No longer transfixed on you and melding in with the darkness. The darkness that spreads as the last beams of the sun dissolve away.

One last sunset.  
One endless night.

Distance, Dan didn’t know, that this distance he was creating to save them would engulf Phil’s soul like a starless night. That Dan would be blinded trying to reach out for pale skin in the moonlight.

No one can reach the moon from the ground.

Even on tiptoes.

Dan didn’t know.

He didn't.

So he just let the distance grow.

After all, to him, it was to save them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any guidance? opinions? i'm all ears people. You're comments mean everything :) <3


	9. New friends and open ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan takes matters into his own hands. Phil would just like him to drop the matters and take his hands instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really happy with this chapter but it had to be done..

Phil had packed away the last of his books before he even noticed his brown haired friend's dilemma. Dan had been stuffing God knows how many malteaser wrappers, back in his locker as they cascaded down like a waterfall. The bin was literally beside him. 

The empty packets had fallen out when he had opened it and in his haste( probably to somehow avoid Phil's teasing by quickly hiding them back where they had emerged from) he hadn't noticed the trash can nearby shoving all the empty packets back in. Phil shook his head slightly amused but reeled in a smile.  
They had something serious to talk about. 

Dan's tardiness could be jabbed at later.

'Dan, I'm worried.' He started, drawing his lips in a thin line before he continued. 'It's been a week since Bree came to school and each time I call to ask if she’s okay she turns the conversation into a joke. I think something’s up.' 

Dan slammed his over-flowing compartment shut and turned to Phil as he bent to pick up his discarded belongings, namely a bag. Hearing Phil's concerns he nodded as he straightened up. 

'Yeah me too.'  
He admitted quietly.  
'We should visit her house tomorrow.' 

Phil was a little surprised when he heard Dan confessed how he too was bothered by her suspicious absence as he usually pretended to dislike her. It was a playful love hate thing and Phil knew they got along well in reality but Dan actually disclosing this with unadulterated honesty made him even more aware of how serious this might be. 

It might be nothing at all though and they might be overacting but in the few years they had known her she hadn't taken a single day off. Owing mostly to her impeccable health and responsible dads. 

"A bunch'a goody two shoes" as she would say. 

Phil nodded.  
'Okay, yeah, we'll go tomorrow.'  
He gave Dan a reassuring smile, not wanting him to be any more distressed.  
'I'm sure it's nothing. Let's not worry too much and just go home.'  
He placed a comforting hand on Dan's shoulder. Suddenly, the atmosphere between them changed. 

Dan's posture grew rigid as he shrugged off Phil's hand taking a step away from his perplexed friend and taking a swift look around. A blonde girl with a red backpack smiled at him in a friendly manner as she walked by with her brunette friend but Dan's gaze was already back on Phil, giving him a glare. 

 

It puzzled him. 

Had he said something? 

He decided to ignore Dan's weird actions. They should stop being stresses for once and enjoy, he mused, planning to buy them both ice cream on the way back. It would be an ice cream date. He grinned.  
'Phil I can't walk back with you today.' 

'Huh?'  
Phil gave him a confused look, broken out of his thought process involving which topping to get on his usual order and how he could steal bites from Dan's share.   
(who was he kidding, it was usually the other way around.)

'What do you mean you can't walk back with me? I can wait here if you've forgotten something back in class again.'  
Phil rolled his eyes bouncing his shoulders to adjust the straps of his backpack.  
Was Dan trying to be a gentleman after all this time? 

'No, I haven't.' He answered. ' I ..um.. I just promised to play football in the park with Oscar and Billy in the park today.'  
Dan mumbled not meeting his eyes. 

Phil gaped slightly as he processed the information.  
'Football? with Oscar and Billy? Oscar who?'  
Dan playing football? No less with some strangers- Then his brows rose in realization as he recalled the rough looking freckled boy.  
'Oscar Jack-man? Dan he's awful and you don't even like football.' 

Dan crossed his arms defensively.  
'Well i might now, when i put in some effort to actually play it, and stop criticizing your class fellow hes not that bad.' 

'Not that bad?'  
Phil's astonishment seemed to be growing by the minute.  
' Dan he spits on teachers and sniffs glue behind the dumpster every day at recess!' 

' and your the one who told me, whats his name? yeah, Billy, was trying to make amateur porn on his mum's mobile by filming himself wanking off.... in the locker room!' 

Dan grimaced.  
'Yeah i mean they have a few behavioral issues like most teens but they'er kind of cool when you talk to them. Billy even promised to trade his Pokemon cards with me after the game.' 

Phil shook his head in disbelief.  
Was he the same Dan he had hung out with all this time? 

'Dan you said you got over playing cards last month because they were, and i quote ' totally boring and a commercial scam to make money off brainless idiots'.  
Phil accused with a pointed look but then his features softened.  
'Whats the problem Dan? and be honest. This isn't like you at all. Are they bullying you into being a slave for labor or something like those cliche highschool movies? cause you can tell me you know and we can sort it all out by asking our mums to kick their butts together.' He provided a grin.' because we're just that much of a threat.'  
Phil chuckled but tried to hide his internal panic.  
He wouldn't mind getting into another fight he can't win if it meant protecting Dan. 

No one would ever scare his boyfriend again.  
He promised silently.

 

Dan shook his head in rapid denial.  
'No, no. Nothing of the sort, i swear.' 

Phil stared him down for a second then threw up his hands.

'Alright.' Phil supplied with a defeated sigh.' At least take me along you weirdo.' 

Dan's next face was nothing short of guilty.  
'Actually i think i'll just go by myself. You don't like football anyway, don't get dragged along with my impulses.' 

Now there he was, the Dan he knew.

Phil beamed at him warmly. It was just like him to put others first, even though he knew Dan hated facing new people without him.  
'Well too late to stop doing that now when that is all I've practically done since we met.'  
He grinned trying to diffuse whatever doubts Dan might have.  
'I can try the muddy and smelly world of football if it's what you want to do, really, i just want to spend time with you.' 

Contrary to his expectations, Dan did not respond with a cute blush and awkward babbling. 

He almost shouted his retort, clearly exasperated with Phil who was startled. 

'Bloody fucking hell Phil! Can't you get a hint! Thats the whole problem!'  
He threw a quick look around and continued when he found the corridor empty.  
'We spend too much time together and we barely have any other friends! It looks strange to anyone that we're practically joined at the hip! We need to make other friends if we want to be any less suspicious then we already are!' 

oh.

OH.

Maybe he didn't know Dan as well as he thought.

Phil felt a chill through his spine.  
'So this was what it was all about? What you're doing isn't making friends Dan, it's using people.'  
His eyes narrowed but he withdrew the offensive stance, softening his features when he saw the hurt on Dan's face.  
No matter what he still was his gentle best friend. Just scared and fear ade you act stupid sometimes. 'No one will suspect anything just because we're close friends Dan. Many people have only one or two friends. It just depends on who you like to spend time with.' 

 

'And I like spending time with you. Playing video games and talking about constellations and actresses who might look good with facial hair.'  
He gave him a small smile but did not get any in return. He understood. Dan was anxious and afraid and sad. Phil would give him all the time in the world to heal.  
'And Dan, I know you like all that too, not football and hanging around boys you share no interests with, so please just come home with me.' 

He encouraged softly placing his palms on Dan's shoulders for comfort.  
There was a moment of stillness as a familiar flicker of awe rose in Dan's eyes but it was quickly replaced by a more vivid flash of panic as he violently pulled himself away. Stumbling as his back hit the locker with a loud thud. He looked as if Phil had electrocuted him. 

He had completely, physically recoiled from him.

Phil couldn't keep the hurt off his face this time. 

'Look, you don't understand Phil. This is how it has to be. I'm trying my best here to preserve what we have and keep it safe but I can't do shit if you don't work with me.'  
He ranted not meeting his eyes as he shuffled away, making Phil himself take a few involuntary steps back.  
If, if Dan was uncomfortable with Phil- He...he didn't want to put Dan at unease... Phil increased the distance. 'Listen Phil..' Dan started with a small gulp. Every word he spoke seemed rehearsed to perfection and Phil was caught unprepared. It wasn't fair. 

 

'I do love you Phil, more then anything, but you have to understand. This is the only way.'  
And for once Dan had looked at him, almost angry, but Phil could see the grief dissipating off him.  
'Life isn't rainbows and sunshine and big happy gay weddings. It's bullies and prejudiced parents and a world that hates you for being who you are.' He scoffed. Mostly to himself, Phil observed. ' Nothing ever goes the way you want it to, so....So just stop being so self justified and open your eyes to the reality Phil.' 

'I can't play happily ever after with you with society looming over my shoulders and judging me. Judging you.'

He turned to walk away.  
'Come talk to me when you actually care about history not repeating itself and leaving you in a bloody pulp.' He whispered.  
' Grow the fuck up.' 

And just like that, he was gone, leaving Phil dumbfound. 

He wanted to cry and hug Dan at the same time. He wanted to hate Dan, to comfort him. To tell him everything would be okay. To scream at him for building too many walls for Phil to climb through... for putting him through such a turmoil but he couldn't. In his heart he knew Dan was right. He had given reason for all his actions but what could Phil do?  
He was always more of a person ruled by his heart. How could he let Dan go off with those boys, who he didn't even like, when all he wanted to eat ice cream with him? How could he walk an arm length away from Dan when he wanted to hold his hand through every step? How could he stop hugging Dan, stop glancing at him during lessons out of the corner of his eye when thats all he knew.  
How could he separate himself from Dan when he didn't know how to exist without him? 

Dan had basically told him to find himself a life separate from his for all the times they weren't alone.  
To not spend every waking hour with Dan...

'But I can't be me without you...'  
He whispered to no one, the final school bell breaking his trance as it signaled the start of the weekend and that the gates were about to close till Monday. 

The weekend usually meant an unreserved and dimply Dan in the comfort of their own room, hidden away from the world,.. but today it provided Phil no solace, no happiness like it used to. His mind was plagued by images that horrified him.

Dan drifting away. Slipping out of his fingers to a world he didn't know. Getting lost in a million new faces.  
Billy and Oscar and other distorted figures prancing around in his mind.  
Brown eyes dimming as the happiness was leeched away.  
He knew Dan better then himself. Dan was hurting.  
What use was it to make such an elaborate scheme to prevent them from hurting when all it was doing was hurting them both? 

Or maybe not... 

Maybe Dan was pulling away because he was too overbearing. Going as far as to do things he absolutely hated. 

Phil shuddered at the possibility, limbs moving automatically as he crossed the iron gates of the school and turned away towards the back. 

An unfamiliar path that was nowhere near his house.  
His mind and soul were repulsed by taking the same road he took every day.  
Chocking at the thought of going home now.  
It didn't feel like going home without Dan anyway. 

Dan was home.  
Dan.. He didn't want to be assaulted with the thoughts of his next door friend anymore. 

He walked and walked and walked in a daze and didn't look up until he was forced out of it. 

A small rush of wind broke his trance as he became aware of his surroundings.  
He stood in a graveyard.  
The melancholy place was located behind his school and had been avoided by both Dan and him, even as a subject for dares. For now, he couldn't bring himself to care. Sorrow was a powerful emotion. Today it was enough to make Phil forget all his fears as he walked further inside only to slump by the large oak in it's center. 

The sun was setting, a dim orange glow illuminating the grey-green muted colors of his place of respite. He was sitting knees up, eyes unblinking yet glazed over, seeing nothing.Seeing everything. Grave stones and dulled grass only giving him a sort of morbid comfort as he drifted away into his thoughts. 

He wasn't scared at all.  
This was actually rather nice and peaceful. His boyfriend would shit himself if he told him about this though, he smiled.  
Dan was so over dramatic sometimes, he chuckled to himself.  
Maybe he'll agree to coming sometime? 

A bit of bribing with Malteasres might do the trick. He shook his head in amusement remembering this noon.  
Dan and his malteasers.  
He grinned.  
This noon.  
The smile slipped off his face in an instant.

Dan. 

Oh. 

Phil bit his lip. 

It was always back to him again wasn't it? 

How would Phil ever learn to survive as separate entities...... when his whole world....his whole world revolved around this one beautiful, complex person?  
When his heart, mind and soul drew to him like a magnet........ 

He groaned covering his face with his hands.  
A deep depressive thought arose. What if that one person didn't even want him back now?  
What if Dan found him too clingy? too weak? too childish? 

It was all there. It all had been implied by Dan himself. 

Phil shuddered.  
What will he do if Dan falls out of love with him?

It could happen.  
There were movies on it, books and if he was being realistic the number of divorces in the world was a big blaring red indicator.  
Even more so, it was rare that children who got together stayed together as adults. 

Puppy love is what they called it.  
Fleeting, insignificant, temporary.... 

but it wasn't, at least not for him... 

It wasn't like the movies for him....

Dan wasn't just a flame of passion and need that burned him in his moments of weakness. 

He didn't crave just physical affection, no. 

He craved Dan in his entirety.  
His physical form just an added bonus... gentle kiss, his dimply smile, his honey colored eyes but what he found comfort in was Dan. 

Pure, honest, unadulterated Dan. 

His endless banter on everything and anything that caught his attention. His frown when he had a nightmare and how it melted away when Phil poked between his eyebrows. How he did everything with deep emotion. When he cried, he wailed. When he was happy, his laugh resonated through the walls. He was as loud as the brightest colors.Was more alive then a hundred souls. Felt more then a hundred hearts and Phil was thrown in too deep in that ocean to ever want to stop drowning even if he could. 

He was the warmth, the glow of his heart and soul.His inspiration. His reason to look forward to every new day and dream of happiness through the night. 

It was like his life was a story based on this one brown haired honey-eyed individual and he had forgotten how to be himself without him.  
Maybe he had no need to learn? 

If he was lucky. 

If he was lucky because...Phil..

Phil believed in soulmates. 

In true love.  
In happily ever afters. 

His parents were a prime example, he smiled to himself.  
For all their disagreement and petty arguments they found themselves closer then ever before. Tied in threads of intermingling heartstrings for eternity and Phil wanted that. 

No.  
Phil wanted that with Dan. 

No one but Dan. 

He just wasn't sure if that was what Dan wanted anymore. 

'Hi.' 

Phil jumped out of his skin, startled to death, his prodding thoughts halting. 

'Sorry for scaring you, I'm Charles.' 

The boy standing by him, offered him a hand which he shook dazed and still getting his heartbeat under control. 

The boy looked about his age, with a wide toothy grin and sparkly brown eyes. He had an air of mischief about him, shaggy black hair spread in all directions like a birds nest. He looked messy yet adorable but Phil made no detailed observations as he stared at him blankly. 

'I...um i'm Phil.'  
He got out with rather some difficulty, voice scratchy like he had woken up from a whole nights sleep.  
He felt exhausted though, unlike Charles who beamed even at his half-assed introduction then flopped down beside him on the grass. 

Charles was weird. Just sitting beside him even though Phil made no effort to talk and staring into the distance with a smile.

They had settled into a peaceful silence as the eve slowly crept upon them. It was strange for Phil to be so near to a stranger like this and usually he would've run away with an awkward goodbye but right now, he was in no position to care.He just let things be as they were, watching the stars slowly revealing themselves as the curtain of daylight shed.

The almost-night was beautiful.  
Tiny stars like glitter thrown over a page of blue shades shimmered, trying to become visible after a whole long day of recession.  
The cloud swirling like mystifying creatures, the wind shy and the milky ways muted, dull yet dancing.

 

How he wished Dan was there beside him to see the sky like this, in it's pastely purple-blue transition.  
How he wished he could spread his fingers out a bit on the grass and meet the tips of Dan's but Dan wasn't there.

He wasn't.

He was off trading cards he had no care for with Billy, probably panting from his unusal activity and covered in mud.  
Phil smiled.  
He would still look adorable.

Still happy....with or without Phil..  
Phil wanted him to be....happy that is...regardless...

But was he?

 

Phil bit his lip.

And did he?  
Would he be selfless enough to let Dan go without a fight?

He sighed.

This wasn't how he had intended his Friday eve to go. Sitting in a graveyard contemplating his whole relationship with a curiously nice stranger as the sunset. 

 

He breathed in the crisp air deeply, emitting a long exhale as if to remove all the stress that had gathered inside of him. 

 

The air was cool and felt nice on his skin. His burdens being released with each breath.

'Cathartic isn't it?'  
Charles whispered beside him and Phil gave him a sideways glance only to receive a sunny smile.  
He didn't understand what Charles had referred to as cathartic; the sky, the graveyard or the calming silence, but he found himself nodding in agreement. It was nice to have a positive influence nearby after such a traumatic day.

 

Phil felt himself relax.

 

Charles had started talking to him softly, whispering as if not to disturb the tranquility that decorated their site of leisure like dew.  
When Phil showed no reaction against it, neither made any effort to stop him, he babbled on and on about all the happenings in his own life. Big and small. How his mum was awful at cooking, how his dad had given him a mow-hawk as a child, the story of the time when his friend had stolen his cat for a week to observe its behavior as an experiment. How he liked simply sitting in the graveyard alone sometimes to 'chill'. 

 

Phil couldn't help a small smile after he groaned about how his sister always stole his snacks so he had hidden them in his boxers all through the day.  
' Why are you telling me all this?' he scrunched his nose amused.

 

'Cause your cute and i'm too awkward to hit on you properly.'  
Charles admitted making Phil blush.

 

' I... um... i don't..'  
Phil attempted to reply, and somehow politely reject, but was thankfully saved from stuttering nonsense by the grinning boy.

 

' Hey, stop. You don't need to reply or anything. No pressure, i'd just like to talk to you more.'  
He gave him a shy smile.  
'Only acquaintances who happen to know each other if nothing more.'

 

It was then that Phil noticed his uniform for the first time.  
'Oh, you go to my school?'  
He asked surprised.

 

'Great observation skills.'  
Charles laughed making him grow red in embarrassment.  
'Finally looking at me properly Lester?'

 

Phil drew his brows up in confusion.  
Lester?  
'I never told u my last name.'

 

It was Charles's turn to blush, he gaped at him then rubbed his head with a chuckle.

 

'Busted.'  
He grinned sheepishly.  
' I.. um.. study in the class next to yours. I always thought you looked interesting and seemed to share my interest but you were always with that brown haired guy so i never got a chance to talk to you.'

 

Phil nodded in understanding. He himself felt awkward initiating conversation with strangers.

'Brown haired dude? Do you mean Dan?'

He nodded giving Phil a smile.  
'Yeah, I think my sister Melissa or her friend, i don't really know which one, fancies him.....from what I've heard at least.'

'Oh.'  
Phil gulped back the knot in his throat as he answered weakly.  
The thought of someone else with Dan felt nauseating to him but with what was happening these days, who knew how long he had to hold onto Dan?

'Yeah.' Charles spoke up breaking his pessimistic tirade.'... um though... i find a certain black haired guy slightly more enamoring.'  
He grinned at Phil.

Phil blushed.

How did he do that? Was he not scared that Phil would've hated him for his feelings that Dan was so sure all the world thought were disgusting. How could he admit them so openly and smile about it all?

'How can you say all that so easily? aren't you scared?'  
He whispered.

'Scared? Of what?'

'Of people hating you, for..for being gay?'

'I might have been bi,don't assume.'  
Charles grinned teasing him earning a half-hearted eye roll.

'And to answer your question, well yes sometimes but no use hiding because of it.'  
He had a far away look on his face as he laid down on the grass,picking a leaf blade between his fingers and pasting it onto Phil's jeans.  
'Assholes will be assholes whether you give them a reason or not.'

' i'd rather be unapologetic-ally myself then pretend to be someone i'm not, just because a bunch of twats can't keep their ignorance to themselves.'  
Phil marveled at his courage.  
It was another way of looking at things. While Dan thought it better to find security in hiding, Charles wanted to brave the obstacles not caring for consequences.

 

Phil, himself, was stuck. On one hand he wanted to do as Dan said. Keep them safe.Make other friends, do things separately until the weekend. Don't hold hands, don't kiss, don't cuddle until they were completely alone but on the other hand, he was helpless.  
Utterly a slave to his disposition.  
He felt like a man being thrown into a tornado, always drifting to the center. Dan was his center. No matter how much he tried to push through the torrent, his whole body moved towards him.

How could he ever hope to follow Dan's plans?  
From what he had seen, as Dan took matters into his own hands. Phil would just like him to drop the matters and take his hands instead.

It was counterproductive for both of them.

'Phil.'  
He watched as the boy beside him stood up dusting his clothes.  
'I actually gathered enough courage to talk to you today because after all the smiles I've seen from you, i hate seeing you sad and you've looked sad for a while now.'  
Charles gave him a sympathetic smile. 

 

'If you ever need someone to talk to you can always find a friend in me.'  
He added and then jumped off the small rise in the ground on which sat the oak tree. 

Before Phil could utter a word like 'Bye' or 'thanks' he was gone and Phil picked up his own bag.  
Ready to face the wrath of his most assuredly worried family. 

His mind was racing though.  
Could they really be like that? him and Dan.  
Open and confident about who they were to the world. Living like a normal teenage couple? 

No.  
Not yet at least.  
For now he had to take baby steps.  
Float in a corner of the swimming pool till they learned to swim before heading for deeper waters.  
Though the question that haunted his very core still nudged his insides. 

Did Dan even want to anymore?  
Was he just tolerating Phil or was this truly not a ploy to get rid of him, rather it was to protect them? 

 

Phil didn't know. 

But whatever Dan wanted would come first 

 

Charles advice would be put away for a better day. 

Maybe when hes older, maybe when hes stronger.  
Maybe when Dan takes away all his doubts, reaches out for his hand in a crowd of people and kisses him smack on the lips. 

Maybe when he doesn't feel like Dan is a daydream he might wake up too soon from. 

Maybe when love doesn't feel like suffocating anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Maria who inspired me to write more through her kind comments :) thanks!


End file.
